I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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