Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
