you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
