Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
