Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
