rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
