Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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