i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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