I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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