...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
