I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
