Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
