life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
