Kiss
Puke
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
