I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
