This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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