Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
