will power is for people who don't want to get laid
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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