Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sarcasm needs its own font
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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