I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
