i wish my penis had a tongue
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
