my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
