I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
