Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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