my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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