it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
