I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
