It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
