This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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