It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
