Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
