What did we do last night that was yellow?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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