The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
