I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
