I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
