I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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