I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
