This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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