i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
