i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
