The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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