fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
