Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
