If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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