You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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