i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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