How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
