remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
