just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
