What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
